just show up

It's been a while since I've been at my screen with my writing hat on. I started a post just after the holidays, and I was so excited about it. In my head, it was brilliant and wise and full of symbolism. But as I typed, it was awkward and clunky. It wasn't flowing. I've spent the rest of the month trying to re-write it in my head, and I've been feeling hesitant to try again. I've been procrastinating, concerned that I'd go back and spend a bunch of time on it, and it just wouldn't make sense and then I'd have wasted my time on something I couldn't even publish. The end result? The post is still in my drafts folder, and the re-writes and edits are still in my brain.

My encounter with this unpublished post has me feeling reflective, and it's occurred to me that there's learning in this for me. I'm a perfectionist in recovery. I've spent my entire life (literally, from young childhood) working hard to get everything just right. I've never given myself any latitude or permission to be anything other than my own definition of successful or perfect. But as I navigate midlife, I find myself giving fewer cares. I find myself wanting to offer my midlife self grace and permission to do less and offer the best I have on any given day. I find myself more willing to accept that my best will look different on Wednesday than it will on Saturday. And I find myself more able to accept an imperfect effort. Because just showing up can be the start of something amazing.

And... I see that I'm not offering this same grace to myself in my writing. It has to be my very best if I'm going to hit that 'publish' button. Everything has to be just right. Grammar and tenses checked, the perfect photo, writing flow checked and edited (at least four times), SEO's tweaked, all the tags applied. I've been operating from the perspective that if I'm going to put myself out there, it has to be perfect. I've been in this fearful space that if I'm not perfect, people will just pass by my work without reading it. And I'm realizing this morning, sitting at my computer, that this standard just isn't workable. I'm not going to grow as a writer if I don't write. It's so silly to imagine that I'm going to nail it every time! And I won't get a chance to grow if I keep leaving things in my drafts folder because I'm afraid they're not good enough to put out into the world.

How often do we all do this? How many chances do we not take because we're afraid of getting it wrong (or failing altogether)? How many times do we shut ourselves down and miss opportunities because we don't think we're good enough? I've done it for so long with my writing, and it's time to just start showing up. Get my words on the screen. Write what's on my heart. And send it out for people to see. Or not see. The world is so noisy, with so many competing threads, that work has to be pretty darned compelling for people to open an email or click a link.

If you did open my email, or click my link on your socials, thanks for being here. I've published this post with only one read through. It's an imperfect work, and I'm so proud to have taken the leap and put it out anyway. I hope it blesses you in some way. I'll leave you with a prompt for reflection or writing, as I so often do....

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Is there just one small corner of your life where you can give yourself permission to just show up? To just show up and take action and be happy with your efforts? How can you just show up today?